I gave birth to Mason but he is the one that has bought me to life. Over the past 5 months i have been a mother to him and I have never felt more myself.
After finishing high school i jumped from study to many careers and the past couple of years i struggled with trying to find “my purpose” or my “passion” in life. I fell into what i call the rat race and the idea that happiness is money and true happiness is “success”. For many years i jumped into jobs and careers trying to find the “success” i was seeking. The pressure of trying to find this also lead me down a path of anxiety. I put so much pressure on myself and was always concerned about what others thought of me and that i wasn’t good enough. Some days i struggled with my anxiety to the point that i couldn’t hold a cup of coffee without shaking. Even though i was dealing with this, most people would have no idea of the pressures i was putting on myself.
When i did find out i was pregnant i was very excited but worried about how i would handle being a mother and having anxiety. I was so sure that i would end up with postnatal depression because of my history.
Five months later and i have never known myself more. I’m more confident than i ever was and the idea of someone thinking i’m not good enough, is the last thing i could care about. I am far more self assured and i know my own strength. When i gave birth to Mason i was on a straight high for 10 day’s and didn’t experience the three day blues, my anxiety is a distant memory. For someone who expected to be depressed i was constantly waiting for the “low” to hit but i truthfully can tell you it hasn’t hit yet and i don’t believe it will (fingers crossed). I’m not suggesting that it hasn’t been the hardest job i’ve ever had and my body has never felt more fatigued in my 27 years of life. It is hard but i know this is what i was meant to do with my life. Some people are destined to travel, be doctors, chefs, businessmen and when you meet someone who is following their purpose they ooze energy. That energy is what i was searching for, and i’m so thankful that i have found mine! I feel like the emptiness i was trying to fill for so long is now full, in-fact it’s overflowing. As corny as this may sound i truly believe that becoming a mother was my “purpose” in life. Since stepping into the role of a mother my anxiety is not a daily occurrence and I have never been more proud of myself.
I’ve been trying understand why having Mason has made me feel this way. I realised my whole life i have loved and adored babies. When i was young i would babysit any baby i could, and i’m talking unpaid babysitting. I loved being around them and would often stay at my Mum’s friend’s who had young children and babysit the whole weekend. When i got older i followed my main strength, sport, and then i totally lost track of everything that i was passionate about and started to focus on the notion, money means success. I think it’s safe to say i lost myself and the core of what i wanted in life.
I’ve now realised that a lot of what i really wanted in life was to be a mother. When you go through school or anyone asks you what you want to be when you are older it is never a common response to say “ i want to be a mother” i also felt as though i sounded like a gold digger or somehow that made me not ambitious enough. I did not even contemplate that this was an acceptable answer and spent many of the years in my early twenties feeling lost.
Being a mother doesn’t financially provide an income but it’s far easier to work in a job or career if you know what it is you are doing it for, your real “purpose”.
I will forever be grateful to Mason for giving me the gift of self acceptance and becoming what it is i truly always wanted but didn’t realise. I gave him life but he bought me back to life.